Senator Jim Bunning To Appear In The New Season Of Lost

Louisville, KY. Baseball and fossil fuel enthusiast Senator Jim Bunning will appear in the new season of ABC's hit television series Lost. He will play a character called Jim Bunning who mysteriously appears on the island as one of the seventy-one survivors of a plane crash.

" He does not remember getting on the plane. He only remembers that his name is Jim Bunning, that's he's a United States Senator and that he absolutely adores rich people," Bunning said while masticating tirelessly on a piece of Canadian bacon.

Bunning agreed to do the show because he has always wanted to act. In high school he won the role of a sturgeon in a play written by his drama teacher about Alaskan fisherman. In the play the fishermen catch the sturgeon and eat him.

"The drama teacher said that the sturgeon represented capitalism and that by eating me the fisherman were denouncing its inherent iniquity. The teacher was a faggot and a commie," Bunning responded with his mouth full of biscuit and gravy.

A Lost insider says that Bunning's character soon develops a love interest. He is out hunting for environmentalists when he falls down a hole. He soon works out that he's discovered a coalmine. According to the insider Bunning and the coalmine fall instantly in love.

Bunning starts to date the coalmine, taking it gifts everyday, including: bottled carbon emissions and asthmatic children. Eventually they consummate the relationship.

"That's quite a scene", Bunning grinned, "I don't think sex between a consenting adult and a coalmine has been shown on network television before."

Bunning insisted that the sex is tastefully handled or he would not have agreed to do it.

"It's all done in soft focus, no genitalia or coalmine crevices are displayed. At the point of climax the director cuts to some film of Mitch McConnell entering the Whitehouse through a rear entrance," Bunning said while chewing the end off a country sausage.

Comb Over?" Robert Felner Must Have My Job," Insists Ramsey

Louisville, KY. James Ramsey, the President of the University of Louisville spoke candidly yesterday about why Robert Felner, the former dean of UofL's College of Education and Human Development, must have his job.

"Robert Felner is paragon of probity. He's charming and sexy. Everybody loves him. He owns four houses with the combined value of 2.9 million dollars. On a salary of $250,000 per year that demonstrates what a total financial Harry Potter he is. Of course he is older than Potter and has more facial hair, but you get my point. The ladies love him. He has three wives and two other women who are not married to him yet. This man's Ron Jeremy with a PhD. I'm not saying he is as well hung as Jeremy but Robert is more academically hung than the dean of Celluloid jism. I think," said Ramsey.

Ramsey said he would be retiring in about six weeks which coincides with the conclusion of the FBI's investigation into allegations that the former education dean mishandled a $694,000 federal grant. Despite this Ramsey insists that Felner would be strong candidate to replace him.

"All this FBI crap is just a big pile of crap on top of a bigger pile of crap," wept Ramsey. " It's jealousy. The FBI, poorly dressed faculty, economy-car-driving staff and the strange young trespassers who wander through the halls of the University with big books and blank expressions. They all secretly want to be Robert Felner. God, I'd give you my right arm if I could be him for just one day. He's a great entrepreneur. Who else could get the Federal Government to legally pay their mortgages? That's unalloyed genius and we need more of it at this university, and less of this so called academic excellence. Show me the money that's what I say. I want people that can attract hard cash to the university. I don't need more academics. I've got those coming out of my shitter," Ramsey growled before beginning to cry again.

Robert Felner was unavailable for comment via hand held communication devices. However, he did send an email which I reproduce below.

"I appreciate President Ramsey's support and I agree with him that I will make an excellent UofL commander-in-chief. However, I am setting my sights higher. When the FBI exonerates me and apologizes on bended knees, I will begin my run for the presidency of the United States. In my first forty days in office I will increase the funding to the National Institutes of Housing by fifty percent. It is essential that University deans do not have to endure the hardship of being without multiple homes. Historically the NIH has been underfunded and I will change this when I become president. My Campaign slogan is: 'Have you been Robbed yet? Then Hug Me I'm Robert.' I hope you like it."

Churchill Downs Awarded Nation State Status By The United Nations

Louisville, Ky. Churchill Downs traditionally a horse racing venue will, in the future, be just a little bit more than a place to fall-over drunk and lose your life savings.

This week a unanimous vote at the United Nations declared Churchill Downs a country from September 1, 2008.

The newest country in the world will be know has the Equine Republic of Churchill Downia. It will have its own currency: the Spires, which will be the only unit of currency acceptable within its national territory.

"We will also require people visiting our country to have valid passports," said the Equine Republic's Minister of Propaganda, Felicity Whip-hand Von Bastard. "Even if they are just visiting the track to benefit our economy. It's a security issue."

The Equine Republic plans to go nuclear immediately. The Pentagon confirmed that it would furnish the world's first racetrack-as-nation with a significant arsenal of nuclear weapons.

"Any unauthorized violation of our national border will be met with extreme force," said acting Life Chancellor Fredrick Von Eugenics. "Imagine a horse being whipped into a frenzy by a miniature man, with a Napoleon Complex, who when not riding a horse is either sitting in a sauna, or starving himself to the edge of anorexia. In short, you will be whipped to a pulp by our team of crack under-nourished midgets if you disrespect our right to exist as a nation."

The acting Life Chancellor showed me elaborate plans to transform the in-field into a one-thousand story building which would house the country's businesses and citizens. The tower will retract into the ground on Derby Day so tourists can be sick and uncomfortably sweaty without the burden of the gargantuan erection.

The acting Life Chancellor accepts that in order to build his new nation he will have to allow immigration.

"We will not discriminate in any way. We will determine our new citizens based on the strength of their bloodlines, their heritage and their ability to be white. Outsiders considering this criteria for citizenship will no doubt think this fascist. And that's exacting what I think it is too, " said the acting Life Chancellor.

Humana Building Demolition Caused By Hijacked Aircraft Not Implosion Claims Eye Witness

Louisville, KY. Local film critic and anti-toothpaste activist , Paulo Sparticus, said that he saw an airplane crash into the old Humana building, the force of which brought down the structure.

"There were clearly no explosives in that building. I did not see or hear any. What I did see, although this is not clear on the television footage, was a Boeing 757 aircraft hit the building. The force of the impact made the building collapse like a underweight maiden who has imbibed two bottles of Jack Daniels on an empty stomach," said a seething Sparticus.

Louisville Mayor Jerry Abramson , speaking from his home bathtub surrounded by tepid water and rapidly extinguishing bubbles thought the notion to be risible.

" Everyone saw the building fall over because it was detonated. If a plane hit the building where is the wreckage?... No get that dog out of here, no it can't get in the bath with me. There's not enough room. Get it out of here. Sweet Fannie Mae it just tried to fellate me," said the distracted Mayor.

Sparticus says he received a phone call prior to the building's collapse from a passenger on board the plane.

" The passenger said, ' Is that Paulo Sparticus? This is a collection agency calling on behalf of American Express, you have not paid your credit card bill is over two months, when do you intend to pay?' I knew immediately what this so called telemarketer meant by 'American Express' , he was referring to the American war machine and its CIA and Bilderberg benefactors. Another red flag was that this passenger claimed to be called Tony but he had a heavy Indian accent," said Sparticus, as he filmed footage of me for his up-and-coming internet documentary: 'The Idol Conspiracy'

Sparticus claims that rejected American Idol tryouts were induced by CIA operatives with the promise of appearing in the final twelve of the competition, if they hijacked the aircraft.

" It's not a coincidence that Louisville was hosting the American Idol auditions on the same day that this building was brought down. The CIA, the Trilateral Commission, Simon Cowell and the British Monarchy have been planning this for years. Their aim is to build a indoor sports arena, which will be used as a base to microchip and enslave the world", said Sparticus.

JOHN YARMUTH: I'M TOO HANDSOME FOR CONGRESS

Washington, DC. In a shocking revelation made in the House of Representatives this week, John Yarmuth said that he was, "too handsome for this place."

"I look around me and I see nothing but rotund guts, comb-overs, and faces that would not be out of place in Picasso paintings. Now I'm as liberal as the next publishing millionaire but you folks are bucket- of- shit grotesque."

Yarmuth's office recently received a call from Tom Cruise's people. They indicated that they would like Yarmuth to play L. Ron Hubbard in Cruise's new movie.

"I told them that I looked so good I could play Cruise's son. They are thinking about that, but the point is, we need to spy on the American people and drill for oil in Alaska," said Yarmuth.

Wrigley Shooter, Tom Cruise's spokesman, said that Yarmuth was seriously being considered for the role. "Tom was watching C-SPAN a few days ago and John came on. Tom shouted, 'that's him, that's L. Ron Hubbard.' I told Tom that L. Ron Hubbard was dead, but he insisted that John Yarmuth was Hubbard's reincarnation. Tom thinks Yarmuth would be a good fit for his movie about his life growing up with the Scientology guru. The title of the film is 'He Teached Me Everything I Knew.'"

Mitch McConnell: Check Email For People Offering Free Money

Washington, DC. Yesterday Senator Mitch McConnell Discussing the American economy said people should check their email for offers of free money.

"I know times are hard", said the gnome-like senator, " but people just have to check their email because there are folks in my in box willing to give me millions of dollars for doing nothing. I know it sounds fantastical but others have told me they get the same overtures in their email too. Jim Bunning is currently negotiating with the managing director of the Nigeria National Petroleum Corporation. He has promised to transfer $25,320,000.00 into Jim's bank account. All Jim has to do is send the Nigerian his bank details. This is free money."

Senator McConnell said that it was the duty of every American to take advantage of this philanthropy.

" We have been giving to Africa for so long. Now it is their turn to give back to the American people. Wealth and prosperity is just a click away."

McConnell added that Senator Bunning had recently wired $20,000 to Lagos to help the transaction along.

"It's a small investment which will pay Jim huge dividends," McConnell said.

Vanity Morehead

Vanity Morehead is the CEO of the 4th of July Group. She knows all about life in the business battlefield and is willing to dispense her wisdom for free or until the market dictates that she charge you for her services.

Dear Vanity,

Is it fair that McDonalds acquires such vast profits yet pays its employees a pittance, keeping them frozen in perpetual poverty? I am a McDonald's associate who is thoroughly pissed and ready to fight back.

Vanity's Response:

You are in the wrong profession my dear. If you were to demand more money the whole fabric of civilization would collapse leaving in its wake a perma black-and-white nation in the yoke of socialism. Better you close your eyes and dream the American dream. Your name and address has been forwarded to McDonald's headquarters.