Mitch McConnell: Check Email For People Offering Free Money

Washington, DC. Yesterday Senator Mitch McConnell Discussing the American economy said people should check their email for offers of free money.

"I know times are hard", said the gnome-like senator, " but people just have to check their email because there are folks in my in box willing to give me millions of dollars for doing nothing. I know it sounds fantastical but others have told me they get the same overtures in their email too. Jim Bunning is currently negotiating with the managing director of the Nigeria National Petroleum Corporation. He has promised to transfer $25,320,000.00 into Jim's bank account. All Jim has to do is send the Nigerian his bank details. This is free money."

Senator McConnell said that it was the duty of every American to take advantage of this philanthropy.

" We have been giving to Africa for so long. Now it is their turn to give back to the American people. Wealth and prosperity is just a click away."

McConnell added that Senator Bunning had recently wired $20,000 to Lagos to help the transaction along.

"It's a small investment which will pay Jim huge dividends," McConnell said.

Vanity Morehead

Vanity Morehead is the CEO of the 4th of July Group. She knows all about life in the business battlefield and is willing to dispense her wisdom for free or until the market dictates that she charge you for her services.

Dear Vanity,

Is it fair that McDonalds acquires such vast profits yet pays its employees a pittance, keeping them frozen in perpetual poverty? I am a McDonald's associate who is thoroughly pissed and ready to fight back.

Vanity's Response:

You are in the wrong profession my dear. If you were to demand more money the whole fabric of civilization would collapse leaving in its wake a perma black-and-white nation in the yoke of socialism. Better you close your eyes and dream the American dream. Your name and address has been forwarded to McDonald's headquarters.

LSD TV

Super CEO, ABC, Thurs 3PM

Cartoon series that follows the exploits of a Chief Executive Officer who miraculously transforms into a human being when the small of his back is touched by a hairy hand. This induces the CEO to battle the iniquities of poverty and greed. This week Super CEO changes into a human being while on FOX News. Simultaneously, he is given a Swedish massage by the endoscopic probe to the rich, Neil Cavuto.

What Is The News?, KET, Sat 7AM

An explanation from a KET employee delivered from a half-open cupboard. Off-screen another KET flunky blows bubbles and shouts random Hindi adjectives. Don Schroeder's right hand makes a brief guest appearance.

Tobacco Talking, KET, Mon 9PM

Kentucky Residents discuss recent cigarettes they have smoked. John Yarmuth discusses the lobby of his home which is made exclusively from tobacco products. Mitch McConnell drops by to show his collection of phallic objects made from tobacco.

Do You want Another War You Wage Slave Fuckwits? If Not I suggest You Shut Up And Listen Dutifully To Your Corporate Superiors, ABC Fri, 9PM

Regis Philbin hosts this new game show where he poses this question to fearful and desperate members of the public who need to land the jackpot to pay-off spiralling debts.

Jim Bunning Unveils His New Invention: A Suit Made of Coal.

Louisville, KY. The Louisville Science Museum hosted Kentucky Senator Jim Bunning's announcement of his new invention: a suit made of coal. Senator Bunning, 101, claims that clothing made from the fossil fuel will revolutionize the world of men's evening wear and wedding attire.

"I expect the new coal suit to transcend the tuxedo by 1950. If you don't report this accurately then I will not be surprised. You are a bunch of liberals, and if Boston were a tree you would no doubt hug it. You lot would not know innovation if you saw Rudolph Valentino drive-by in one of those automobile contraptions," warbled Bunning.

Bunning's invention uses liquefied coal that is transformed into clothing by cajoling the coal to form a suit.

"I talk to the liquefied coal", Bunning whispered through gritted teeth, " I say something like get into the shape of a suit, give me 34inch pants and a jacket with a 40inch chest, and the coal changes into a suit."

Bunning claims that he has been talking to pieces of coal for much of his life. But it was only when liquefied that it responded to his admonishments.

"I used to urge lumps of coal to transform themselves into suits but nothing ever happened. But six months ago Mitch McConnell gave me some liquefied coal for my birthday. I headed straight to the bathroom and started to converse with it. I said make me a suit Master Coal, and it darn well did. It made me a little boy's suit because I did not specify measurements. I gave it to Mitch McConnell because he collects little boy's attire," said Bunning.

Bunning plans to market the suits to WalMart who he claims are very enthusiastic about the product.

"These suits are catastrophic for the environment and that's what appeals to people. They are sick of naysayers talking about America getting warmer. If they don't like the weather they should go and live in the Soviet Union with Thomas Paine and Paul Robeson. We can either ignore global warming or we can ignore global warming. I chose the latter," said Bunning.

Governor's Mansion To Be Replaced By Big Roulette Wheel

Frankfort, KY. Speaking from the basement of the Governor's Mansion, Steve Beshear addressed a select group of local journalists chosen for their drug and gambling addictions.

Beshear who now insists people refer to him as "Hit Me" revealed his plans to transform the 94 year old residence into a giant roulette wheel.

"It will be like the ones in Vegas only bigger, but it will not be on a green baize or housed in a faux medieval castle. When you go into the new mansion you will see lines of slot machines. We are going to hire lots of overweight people to play on these. It will summon that classic mix of depression and poverty as well as creating two-hundred minium wage jobs for Kentucky." Said Beshear.

Beshear plans to change the address of the mansion to 13 Black, Capitol Avenue, because it's his lucky number. There will also be a large white ball obstructing the front door. Because of this he claims, entry to the mansion will be through a nearby window.

The roulette wheel is to be twenty-seven stories high and spin like a regular casino wheel. This circular motion will generate power for the mansion's utilities and also redirect the stench of the working poor away from the residence.

"It will be like a fan. My biggest fan", joked the Governor while fingering his freshly dyed white hair.

The Governor then ordered me and the other journalists to sit around a card table. He delt a series of five cards to all of us. My cards were all blanks as were the other journalists. The Governor then put his cards on the table. He had five aces: a diamond, spade, club, heart and a photograph of himself with the word ace etched on his forehead. He then demanded that we give him $50 each or our watches. We all handed over $50 except for the Business First writer who gave him $100. Governor Beshear then discarded his clothes and donned a robe which had Ceasar's Palace emblazoned on its rear. He then got into a nearby camp bed. The duvet, that he pulled-up tighly about his head, had a cover which displayed a series of dogs of playing poker. He then wished us good night and turned out the lights.

RUM! Brands Not Strange Claims Multiple-Chinned CEO

Louisville, KY. Responding to criticism from Kentucky Mental Health Corp that he is a fruitcake with extra fruit, RUM! Brands, formerly Fats TransNational, CEO Dravid Novackian said: "It's sour grapes. People are jealous of my wealth and increasing weight. Many hundreds of years ago, before Rum! Brands, one's weight was a sign of wealth, and I intend to reach my target weight of five-hundred pounds. I'm fabulously wealthy you see, and I want to demonstrate that I'm fabulously wealthy. Look at my flaccid, flabby man-tits. It's what makes America great."

Recently Novackian said that it is the duty of every American to introduce a fourth daily meal to their diet in order to fight the recession.

" The fouth meal should be eaten around 10PM and consist of a taco shell filled with cheap lowgrade meat, or a a piece of factory-farmed chicken coated in a golden batter, or a burger, preferably made from a cow that has suffered a slow tortuous death, covered in melted cheese with a piece of lettuce on top."

This call to eat ourselves out of the recession comes with the news that sales at RUM! Brand's domestic restaurants fell by 6% this month when rats dining at a RUM! eatery complained of food poisoning.

"It was an unfortunate incident", said the misshappen CEO, " but what can you do? Stuff happens. The rats told me they would be back despite this. This demonstrates the strength of our brand and the loyalty of our rodent customer base. Look at my gut it hangs down to my balls."

LSD TV

The Incredible Shit-Filled Man, CBS, Sun 2pm.

A documentary filmed in 3D about the life of writer and human excrement machine Bob Novak. The documentary explores the manifold methods that Mr. Novak can induce shit. Simply by opening his mouth he can propel turd in any direction. It also takes an in-depth look at his new autobiography Shit Happens, and explores Novak's attempt to get an island he owns in the Indian Ocean recognized as the Republic of Turdistan.

Survivor Louisville, ABC, Thursday, 9pm

16 fuckwits culled from from an ABC database of dull consumer automatons attempt to survive the vagaries of living Louisville style. This week our mess of inarticulate monochrome morons are told to find a form of transport other than a car that can get them around the city. A naked Mayor Jerry Abramson appears at the end of the episode mumbling gibberish about Beau Bridges. He is arrested, but escapes to his secret underwater base in the Ohio River.

Mitch McConnell Stare Hour, Fox News, Saturday, 3am

The vacant looks and and astonishingly long stares of the Kentucky Senator are showcased in this Fox News special. The music is provided by Senator Jim Bunning who creates his unique sound by beating a sack of kittens with a baseball bat.