Louisville, KY. Responding to criticism from Kentucky Mental Health Corp that he is a fruitcake with extra fruit, RUM! Brands, formerly Fats TransNational, CEO Dravid Novackian said: "It's sour grapes. People are jealous of my wealth and increasing weight. Many hundreds of years ago, before Rum! Brands, one's weight was a sign of wealth, and I intend to reach my target weight of five-hundred pounds. I'm fabulously wealthy you see, and I want to demonstrate that I'm fabulously wealthy. Look at my flaccid, flabby man-tits. It's what makes America great."
Recently Novackian said that it is the duty of every American to introduce a fourth daily meal to their diet in order to fight the recession.
" The fouth meal should be eaten around 10PM and consist of a taco shell filled with cheap lowgrade meat, or a a piece of factory-farmed chicken coated in a golden batter, or a burger, preferably made from a cow that has suffered a slow tortuous death, covered in melted cheese with a piece of lettuce on top."
This call to eat ourselves out of the recession comes with the news that sales at RUM! Brand's domestic restaurants fell by 6% this month when rats dining at a RUM! eatery complained of food poisoning.
"It was an unfortunate incident", said the misshappen CEO, " but what can you do? Stuff happens. The rats told me they would be back despite this. This demonstrates the strength of our brand and the loyalty of our rodent customer base. Look at my gut it hangs down to my balls."
