Vanity Morehead is the CEO of the 4th of July Group. She knows all about life in the business battlefield and is willing to dispense her wisdom for free or until the market dictates that she charge you for her services.
Dear Vanity,
Is it fair that McDonalds acquires such vast profits yet pays its employees a pittance, keeping them frozen in perpetual poverty? I am a McDonald's associate who is thoroughly pissed and ready to fight back.
Vanity's Response:
You are in the wrong profession my dear. If you were to demand more money the whole fabric of civilization would collapse leaving in its wake a perma black-and-white nation in the yoke of socialism. Better you close your eyes and dream the American dream. Your name and address has been forwarded to McDonald's headquarters.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
LSD TV
Super CEO, ABC, Thurs 3PM
Cartoon series that follows the exploits of a Chief Executive Officer who miraculously transforms into a human being when the small of his back is touched by a hairy hand. This induces the CEO to battle the iniquities of poverty and greed. This week Super CEO changes into a human being while on FOX News. Simultaneously, he is given a Swedish massage by the endoscopic probe to the rich, Neil Cavuto.
What Is The News?, KET, Sat 7AM
An explanation from a KET employee delivered from a half-open cupboard. Off-screen another KET flunky blows bubbles and shouts random Hindi adjectives. Don Schroeder's right hand makes a brief guest appearance.
Tobacco Talking, KET, Mon 9PM
Kentucky Residents discuss recent cigarettes they have smoked. John Yarmuth discusses the lobby of his home which is made exclusively from tobacco products. Mitch McConnell drops by to show his collection of phallic objects made from tobacco.
Do You want Another War You Wage Slave Fuckwits? If Not I suggest You Shut Up And Listen Dutifully To Your Corporate Superiors, ABC Fri, 9PM
Regis Philbin hosts this new game show where he poses this question to fearful and desperate members of the public who need to land the jackpot to pay-off spiralling debts.
Cartoon series that follows the exploits of a Chief Executive Officer who miraculously transforms into a human being when the small of his back is touched by a hairy hand. This induces the CEO to battle the iniquities of poverty and greed. This week Super CEO changes into a human being while on FOX News. Simultaneously, he is given a Swedish massage by the endoscopic probe to the rich, Neil Cavuto.
What Is The News?, KET, Sat 7AM
An explanation from a KET employee delivered from a half-open cupboard. Off-screen another KET flunky blows bubbles and shouts random Hindi adjectives. Don Schroeder's right hand makes a brief guest appearance.
Tobacco Talking, KET, Mon 9PM
Kentucky Residents discuss recent cigarettes they have smoked. John Yarmuth discusses the lobby of his home which is made exclusively from tobacco products. Mitch McConnell drops by to show his collection of phallic objects made from tobacco.
Do You want Another War You Wage Slave Fuckwits? If Not I suggest You Shut Up And Listen Dutifully To Your Corporate Superiors, ABC Fri, 9PM
Regis Philbin hosts this new game show where he poses this question to fearful and desperate members of the public who need to land the jackpot to pay-off spiralling debts.
Friday, June 6, 2008
Jim Bunning Unveils His New Invention: A Suit Made of Coal.
Louisville, KY. The Louisville Science Museum hosted Kentucky Senator Jim Bunning's announcement of his new invention: a suit made of coal. Senator Bunning, 101, claims that clothing made from the fossil fuel will revolutionize the world of men's evening wear and wedding attire.
"I expect the new coal suit to transcend the tuxedo by 1950. If you don't report this accurately then I will not be surprised. You are a bunch of liberals, and if Boston were a tree you would no doubt hug it. You lot would not know innovation if you saw Rudolph Valentino drive-by in one of those automobile contraptions," warbled Bunning.
Bunning's invention uses liquefied coal that is transformed into clothing by cajoling the coal to form a suit.
"I talk to the liquefied coal", Bunning whispered through gritted teeth, " I say something like get into the shape of a suit, give me 34inch pants and a jacket with a 40inch chest, and the coal changes into a suit."
Bunning claims that he has been talking to pieces of coal for much of his life. But it was only when liquefied that it responded to his admonishments.
"I used to urge lumps of coal to transform themselves into suits but nothing ever happened. But six months ago Mitch McConnell gave me some liquefied coal for my birthday. I headed straight to the bathroom and started to converse with it. I said make me a suit Master Coal, and it darn well did. It made me a little boy's suit because I did not specify measurements. I gave it to Mitch McConnell because he collects little boy's attire," said Bunning.
Bunning plans to market the suits to WalMart who he claims are very enthusiastic about the product.
"These suits are catastrophic for the environment and that's what appeals to people. They are sick of naysayers talking about America getting warmer. If they don't like the weather they should go and live in the Soviet Union with Thomas Paine and Paul Robeson. We can either ignore global warming or we can ignore global warming. I chose the latter," said Bunning.
"I expect the new coal suit to transcend the tuxedo by 1950. If you don't report this accurately then I will not be surprised. You are a bunch of liberals, and if Boston were a tree you would no doubt hug it. You lot would not know innovation if you saw Rudolph Valentino drive-by in one of those automobile contraptions," warbled Bunning.
Bunning's invention uses liquefied coal that is transformed into clothing by cajoling the coal to form a suit.
"I talk to the liquefied coal", Bunning whispered through gritted teeth, " I say something like get into the shape of a suit, give me 34inch pants and a jacket with a 40inch chest, and the coal changes into a suit."
Bunning claims that he has been talking to pieces of coal for much of his life. But it was only when liquefied that it responded to his admonishments.
"I used to urge lumps of coal to transform themselves into suits but nothing ever happened. But six months ago Mitch McConnell gave me some liquefied coal for my birthday. I headed straight to the bathroom and started to converse with it. I said make me a suit Master Coal, and it darn well did. It made me a little boy's suit because I did not specify measurements. I gave it to Mitch McConnell because he collects little boy's attire," said Bunning.
Bunning plans to market the suits to WalMart who he claims are very enthusiastic about the product.
"These suits are catastrophic for the environment and that's what appeals to people. They are sick of naysayers talking about America getting warmer. If they don't like the weather they should go and live in the Soviet Union with Thomas Paine and Paul Robeson. We can either ignore global warming or we can ignore global warming. I chose the latter," said Bunning.
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