Saturday, August 30, 2008

Senator Jim Bunning To Appear In The New Season Of Lost


Louisville, KY. Baseball and fossil fuel enthusiast Senator Jim Bunning will appear in the new season of ABC's hit television series Lost. He will play a character called Jim Bunning who mysteriously appears on the island as one of the seventy-one survivors of a plane crash.

" He does not remember getting on the plane. He only remembers that his name is Jim Bunning, that's he's a United States Senator and that he absolutely adores rich people," Bunning said while masticating tirelessly on a piece of Canadian bacon.

Bunning agreed to do the show because he has always wanted to act. In high school he won the role of a sturgeon in a play written by his drama teacher about Alaskan fisherman. In the play the fishermen catch the sturgeon and eat him.

"The drama teacher said that the sturgeon represented capitalism and that by eating me the fisherman were denouncing its inherent iniquity. The teacher was a faggot and a commie," Bunning responded with his mouth full of biscuit and gravy.

A Lost insider says that Bunning's character soon develops a love interest. He is out hunting for environmentalists when he falls down a hole. He soon works out that he's discovered a coalmine. According to the insider Bunning and the coalmine fall instantly in love.

Bunning starts to date the coalmine, taking it gifts everyday, including: bottled carbon emissions and asthmatic children. Eventually they consummate the relationship.

"That's quite a scene", Bunning grinned, "I don't think sex between a consenting adult and a coalmine has been shown on network television before."

Bunning insisted that the sex is tastefully handled or he would not have agreed to do it.

"It's all done in soft focus, no genitalia or coalmine crevices are displayed. At the point of climax the director cuts to some film of Mitch McConnell entering the Whitehouse through a rear entrance," Bunning said while chewing the end off a country sausage.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

Comb Over?" Robert Felner Must Have My Job," Insists Ramsey


Louisville, KY. James Ramsey, the President of the University of Louisville spoke candidly yesterday about why Robert Felner, the former dean of UofL's College of Education and Human Development, must have his job.

"Robert Felner is paragon of probity. He's charming and sexy. Everybody loves him. He owns four houses with the combined value of 2.9 million dollars. On a salary of $250,000 per year that demonstrates what a total financial Harry Potter he is. Of course he is older than Potter and has more facial hair, but you get my point. The ladies love him. He has three wives and two other women who are not married to him yet. This man's Ron Jeremy with a PhD. I'm not saying he is as well hung as Jeremy but Robert is more academically hung than the dean of Celluloid jism. I think," said Ramsey.

Ramsey said he would be retiring in about six weeks which coincides with the conclusion of the FBI's investigation into allegations that the former education dean mishandled a $694,000 federal grant. Despite this Ramsey insists that Felner would be strong candidate to replace him.

"All this FBI crap is just a big pile of crap on top of a bigger pile of crap," wept Ramsey. " It's jealousy. The FBI, poorly dressed faculty, economy-car-driving staff and the strange young trespassers who wander through the halls of the University with big books and blank expressions. They all secretly want to be Robert Felner. God, I'd give you my right arm if I could be him for just one day. He's a great entrepreneur. Who else could get the Federal Government to legally pay their mortgages? That's unalloyed genius and we need more of it at this university, and less of this so called academic excellence. Show me the money that's what I say. I want people that can attract hard cash to the university. I don't need more academics. I've got those coming out of my shitter," Ramsey growled before beginning to cry again.

Robert Felner was unavailable for comment via hand held communication devices. However, he did send an email which I reproduce below.

"I appreciate President Ramsey's support and I agree with him that I will make an excellent UofL commander-in-chief. However, I am setting my sights higher. When the FBI exonerates me and apologizes on bended knees, I will begin my run for the presidency of the United States. In my first forty days in office I will increase the funding to the National Institutes of Housing by fifty percent. It is essential that University deans do not have to endure the hardship of being without multiple homes. Historically the NIH has been underfunded and I will change this when I become president. My Campaign slogan is: 'Have you been Robbed yet? Then Hug Me I'm Robert.' I hope you like it."