Victoria and Albert

Dear Victoria and Albert:

Have you noticed that when doctors walk they look down at their shoes? I think they are concealing their guilt at being a part of the pharma- fascist complex but my husband thinks its because they like their shoes. What do you think about this?

Response:
Back in 400 A.D. after the plague of ladybugs that hit Turkey, the Ottoman Empire along with its physician class adopted a no shoe policy that precluded the medical profession from wearing foot coverings. Any doctor seen in public with shoes was stoned to death by special stoning squads that roamed the streets looking for such anomalies. That is why doctors tend to look at their feet because historically they have been victimized for wearing shoes.

Dear Victoria and Albert:
I have done some fact checking on your previous response and found it to be without merit. Your modus opperandi seems to be don’t use facts use fiction.

Response:
Sounds to me like you are jealous. Your ancestors were probably the Jealousies who in 1028 slaughtered the Ostentactoes at Troy. They were flummoxed when the Jealousies left a large statue of Paris Hilton outside of the fortress that was home to the Ostentactoes. They brought the stunning statue of the Heiress into the fortress’ boundary and were surprised and ultimately defeated by the Jealosies’ army who emerged from the vagina of Hilton. Get a life you curmudgeonly cur.

Dear Victoria and Albert:
I heard someone on HGTV say that President Bush was worth two in a hand. Is this another example of the liberal media’s bias against the truth and the American Way?

Response:
We share your disgust with Home and Garden Television. For some time now we have been monitoring this seditious pocket of propaganda dressed up as a lifestyle channel. We hope you chip away at the façade of shiny paint and glossy color visualizations.

Vanity Morehead

Vanity Morehead is the CEO of the 4th of July Group. She knows all about life in the business battlefield and is willing to dispense her wisdom for free or until the market dictates that she charge you for her services.


Question:
Dear Vanity,
I feel under extreme pressure from my boss to sleep with him. He regularly asks me out for drinks and makes suggestive remarks about my body. Could it hurt my career opportunities if I do not kow-tow to his libido?

Answer:
In today’s business environment, teamwork is essential. If everyone does not pull in the same direction the team will collapse like tumbling dominoes. The team is the business and the business is the team. Each team is a collective body, and that body (like any other human body) needs warmth, food, and sex. It is your duty to provide the team with your full attention. Your boss is an integral part of the body much like the brain. I say Y-Shape those legs girl and your company will profit!

Love And Supplication Conference A Roaring Success

Louisville, KY. Journalists from all over the United States gathered in Louisville Wednesday at the Convention Center for the first Love The Affluent Unconditionally Conference. The prestigious event which attracted many prominent writers was sponsored by the weekly business journal Profit First.

Over a thousand journalists from all over the country were there to discuss how they could make their reports of the powerful and wealthy seem even more sycophantic and apologetic.

“In the past journalists would hold those who controlled the machinery of the state and business accountable for their actions. But all of that has changed, thank God, now we are just indifferent. Besides, that kind of journalism costs money. It harms the bottom line. Just send me your press release and I will print it without question. I don’t even have to leave my office” Sang reporter Accolade Mouse, whose recent investigation into the new Louisville downtown arena, written in verse, revealed it would be: “ like really, really awesome/ if you disagree you are really, really whore scum.”

Participants at the event enjoyed three days of workshops dedicated to fine-tuning fawning writing and refining CEO interviewing etiquette.

“Do you think Bill Gates wants questions about how utterly shit Windows Vista is?” Said Shepherd Islander, conference organiser, and CFO of Granite Publishing owners of the Louisville Cowering Journal. “ He doesn’t want the imposition. We need to drive home this point. Gates is one of the top people on the planet and we should not be dropping big turd bombs on his doorstep like untrained dogs. We need to pay respect to our masters, that’s why these workshops are paramount in the servile training process. Without them journalists will not have the equipment to function obsequiously.”

The Marketing Manager of the Louisville Cowering Journal, Joy Shalala, echoed these sentiments. “Journalism has become an extension of the advertising industry. What we need to do most is please advertisers. We do this by writing copy that enticingly frames the adverts around them. In my professional opinion I think this article would benefit from an advert for a car or a women’s fragrance around the text.”

LSD TV

Wolf Blitzer: The Man Behind The Face?
CNN, Thursday, 3am.

This animated documentary traces the purported inception of Wolf Blitzer. Shocking evidence is presented that Blitzer was genetically engineered from DNA extracted from Shirley Temple and a wolverine found on Martha Stewart’s estate.

Jeopardy Motherfucker
CBS, Friday, 7:30pm

An episode of the popular quiz show directed by Quintin Tarrantino. With Alex Trefuck as himself.

She’s My Daughter Not My Nanny
ABC, Thursday, 9:00p.m
New sitcom. A handsome recently widowed CEO, David Hasselhoff, employs a nanny, Pamela Anderson, to take care of his nine year old kid, Morgan Fairchild, who suffers from the premature aging disease Hutchinson-Gilford Progesia Syndrome.

The O’Reilly Factor Alfresco
Fox News, Wednesday, 8:00p.m
Bill O’Reilly takes his studio show to the Grand Canyon where he performs to an audience of 750,000. Highlights include a techno version of his word segment and an interview with Dick Morris set to an unrelenting drum machine and an intermittent cuckoo sound.

The Howie Mandell Midget Crossbow Pursuit
NBC, Saturday, 8:00p.m
Howie Mandell is pursued all over the globe by expert bowsmen who are under five feet in stature. This week Mandell is drugged and left in field in Wellington, New Zealand. He is awoken by the diminutive marksmen and made to flea as the arrows fly about the conspicuous pilgarlic. Later he is rescued by the proprietor of a suitcase emporium. He insists that Mandell pose for pictures opening and closing suitcases.

Don Schroeder’s Fingers
Fox, Sunday, 4:00a.m
This week the ubiquitous news warrior, Don Schroeder, gives us an unvarnished view of his fingers. Fox’s unique finger cam displays Schroeder’s fingers from fifty thousand different angles and perspectives. This morning we see his fingers from the point-of-view of a Woodpecker and a Koala Bear.

Ann Northup Redux
Sci-Fi, Tuesday, 7:00pm
An assessment of the career of the erstwhile congresswoman intermittently disrupted by images of car crashes, explosions and natural disasters. Narrated by Amanda Tapping.

Kill Or Be Killed
Lifetime, Thursday, 10:00p.m
Sean Hannity discusses fictional characters culled from 20th century literature and argues why they need to be detained at Gitmo. This week Hannity erects a case against Travelling saleman, Gregor Samsa, who in Kranz Kafka’s 1915 novella wakes one morning to find himself transformed into a giant insect. Hannity argues that he needs to be sent packing to Cuba and, using the sun, tortured with a big magnifying glass before he can mount a campaign of terror against the American state from his insect base camp in the Czech Republic.

This Month's Big Jobs

Hospitality Industry

Gift Shop Attendant
Looking for workers who enjoy being overworked and underpaid. Boss is unfriendly and demanding. Must be able to smile while miserable and B.S. with patronizing clients. After hours and most weekends required. Minimum M.A. or equivalent. PhD preferred. This is an exciting opportunity to meet the wealthiest and most self-important people in the state as well as the most insecure B-list celebrities on the comedy circuit. $8/hour.

Professional

Administrative Assistant
Seeking an attractive woman who is able to keep boss organized and erect in all situations. Fast fingers (for typing) and bending over during filing required. Must have good sense of humor as boss loves telling jokes. $27,000/year + BONUS available with additional duties.

Government

Intern
Dynamic? Creative? Good Networker? Fundraising abilities? Computer savvy? Able to lick stamps and other things? Seeking local intern for national effort. This program provides young Americans the opportunity get to know their state senators in a way that few Americans imagine. Intern will be paid in life experience.

Medical

Fast drying coopertonicative passeradiosizer
The Baptist-Judeo-Christian Hospital for the Betterment of Industry seeks highly skilled workers in the Fast drying field. RNIIAMBJER required. RNIJWW preferred.

Sales Representative

Are you a Liberal Arts Grad without a future? Desperate? In college you thought only artists starved. They neglected to tell you that English Majors have no future either. Now you can. Join the exciting facile facilitating industry and work on your own terms. Commission based structure means you can earn as much as you want…and if you don’t heh.. you are no worse off because you can continue to live with mom and dad. Blue and Bluer are seeking facile facilitators for Louisville locations. Apply today. All applications are confidential **
** some information may be used for our sub prime lenders so that you may take out loans that you can utilize when you don’t earn any money on this job.

Warehouse.

In love with repetitive work? Are you subservient? Lack self-esteem? Afraid of authority? Expect no reward for hard work? Live for the weekend? However, will sacrifice your weekend for your boss’s betterment? If yes to all of these questions fax: 502-999-1111. On the cover sheet of your fax write: @111+???////*. Include your name, address, phone number, email, cellphone, mother’s maiden name and include a photograph of yourself jumping through a hoop while squeezing blood from a stone. Benefits include: Prozac, coffee and Redbull voachers. Readers and Alchemists need not apply.

Part Time.

Seven half days per week. Monday to Sunday, including Judgement day if necessary, refilling potholes with dried oatmeal. Will train. Won’t pay. Only joking. Benefits, aha. Fuck you. To apply go to the corner of Hubbards Lane and Brownsborough Road and defecate until you are arrested. From your police cell remote view Simon at cordinates 29-52 and request his help. Former applicants need not apply.

Paulo Sparticus At The Movies: The Departed

First time director Martin Scorcese revolutionises the black-and-white movie by filming it in color. The Departed, a remake of Japanese director David Lean’s 1933 comedy, The Great Escape, abandons its original science fiction premise and sets the movie in a funeral home. Spanish American Scorcese eschews his native Arabic language and films the movie in English, a dialect he can not speak. But the gamble pays off. Jack Nicholson, in his first film since Stephen King’s 1969 adaptation of Wuthering Heights gives the kind of performance that has been lacking in bourgeois American cinema.

Since he stole the election back in 1998 George “Walker” Bush has hamstrung the film industry with legislation designed to curtail dissent. His edicts for film-makers have included: no kissing, no driving in cars, no sitting on beds, and no consumption of ice cream. By breaking all of these rules the Hispanic firebrand gives a middle finger salute to the oppressive, tyrannical, fascist, racist, homophobic, racist, anti-Semitic, racist, Sean Hannity-loving, country club attending, racist elite who should be branded with tattoos of the World Trade Center buildings being brought down with controlled demolitions.

This film is a new beginning. When Matt Damon sits on the bed and kisses his wife, then gets in his car and drives to a Dairy Queen, buys and eats and ice cream, you know that Scorcese is telling us to rise up as one and escape the oppressive yoke of George Warfare Bush.

The Voice of Alzheimers:The Mind Of Jim Bunning

I am neither black nor white. Some have said I am not of this world. This is clearly wrong. I am of human stock and have no extra-terrestial blood. In this world I happen to belong to a geographical economic unit called the United States. In the United States I devote myself to assisting the people. Some of the people are a color that is at variance with my shade of Artic Sunrise. This does not bother me. Some of my country club pals ask me how I do it. I shrug my shoulders and say, “Hey Jefferson, bring me another cigar”. Meeting a “black” is much like meeting one of your own. The only difference is – well there are too many for this column. However, odor and quality of person are worth mentioning. Despite being color blind I do see that black people destroy property and agitate at a rate that would cause a white person to fire a shotgun indiscriminately at blithe consumers in a shopping mall. Statistically, very few white people do these things. This is why I like George W. Bush. He is a man that would never go to a shopping mall and kill people. He would delegate something like that.

The Democrats hate Bush because he is very popular with the electorate, he wears suits, and is not interested in kissing men. Moreover, he allows the American people to compete in the global market with our friends in China, India, and Rhodesia. Unlike the party of Osama Bin Laden who would rather our men and girls in uniform go completely naked into battle. These young naked, ripped bodies with no excess of fat are torn apart by enemy fire because Democrats do not believe in clothing our soldiers. They want to turn our military into an extension of the porn industry. That, my fellow constituents is hard to swallow. I understand the military. I served my time in the army- I waited tables during my freshman year at college in the canteen at Ft. Campbell. I know that the average male human and girl human combatant needs their body covered in order for that combatant to perform acts of necessary violence. It is a human right to be sartorially encased. It is as American as baseball and Shakespeare.

Baseball was at the forefront of my mind on a recent trip I took to Jordan. Like many people I had never heard of this tiny, insignificant country before my PR team indicated that I could raise my public profile before the next election by meeting some of the top people in this place which was surprisingly not named after the famous Negro hoop boy. My entourage and I met with the Jordanian king. I tried to tell him about the famous basketball player but he had not idea of what I was talking about. It seems he does not know how to speak American. He spoke some horrible dialect and then a lackey somehow turned the gibberish into common American. I spent most of the time talking to the lackey. In turn, he translated my words into the mildly revolting language that the king – I forget his name – could comprehend.

On the whole, Jordan is an unnecessary little country that has no oil and no other minerals of interest to exploit. I advised the king to become part of Israel. He looked at me without responding. I suspect he was considering the offer. He then left the room without offering me a goodbye. I was not surprised. This is the Arab nature and he did look suspiciously like one of Saddam Hussein’s sons. The dead one.

Xavier Azure is a property developer, philanthropist, consultant, and now a columnist for LSD.

I don’t know anyone more capable than me. I really don’t. I know many people that are capable, like presidents, movie stars, and Microsoft billionaires who wear glasses, but I don’t know anyone like me. I am revitalizing Louisville one brick at a time with my revolutionary property development company that with a flash of brilliance (following a superb glass of wine at Vincenzo’s) I called “Samantha”. Don’t ask me why because I do not know. I just did it. I am not a procrastinator. I could have delayed that last sentence but I just went ahead and got my intern to type it. That is the difference. I say and I do. I do and I say. I do and I do. I say and I say.

I remember a few years ago while at Country Day (My high school), the famous movie director Stu Pollard (knew him as Stuart back then) said to me, “catch the ball” and I did. I did it. Even as a teenager I was demonstrating this “can do” attitude. I strongly believe that I inspired Stu to go on to be the enormous talent that he is today. He clearly based his last movie Keep Your Distance on a story that I told him back in 8th grade – only I lied – I wrote it in 5th grade. That is another example of my spontaneity and is a testament to my prodigious creativity.

Because of my manifold talents as a child and a teenager, I was often bullied by cowards who thought it appropriate behavior to call me names such as: “Queer”, “faggot”, and “bum bandit”. None of this is true. I am neither a queer, faggot nor a bum bandit. I am, as my wife will attest, a truly great lover. There probably isn’t anybody more virile than me. I am not exaggerating. If a way of measuring virility existed I would come out on top (and boy am I attractive to women!) Just ask my mother.

I believe in helping the poor help themselves. That is why I rarely give money to charities. If you give a poor man money he will buy cigarettes and liquor, however if you give him a fishing rod he will go down to the Ohio and catch his dinner. On second thoughts, he would probably pawn the fishing rod and buy cigarettes and liquor with the cash.

My new Foundation is addressing the problem of poverty. We hold “respect” classes in community centers throughout Kentucky that teach the poor to respect those that have an abundance of wealth. Once the poor intellect understands how to respect the free enterprise system the meek man and woman will benefit from its bountiful treasury. I believe this is my calling from God. I think I am well on my way to fulfilling biblical prophecy as a facilitator in awakening the entrepreneur in the poor, meek man so that he can inherit the earth. My pastor assures me that once this happens there will still be astonishingly rich people like me but the meek will be given bigger tax breaks and adopt a faith based lifestyle which will empower them to take back America from the liberal elite and sexual deviants who pollute our governmental system like a badly plumbed toilet. I say, “find a good plumber” and “get the crap out of the pot!”

In summation, stay in school, go to work, don’t take drugs, wear a suit to church and don’t think too much. It has always worked for me!