Louisville, KY. Journalists from all over the United States gathered in Louisville Wednesday at the Convention Center for the first Love The Affluent Unconditionally Conference. The prestigious event which attracted many prominent writers was sponsored by the weekly business journal Profit First.
Over a thousand journalists from all over the country were there to discuss how they could make their reports of the powerful and wealthy seem even more sycophantic and apologetic.
“In the past journalists would hold those who controlled the machinery of the state and business accountable for their actions. But all of that has changed, thank God, now we are just indifferent. Besides, that kind of journalism costs money. It harms the bottom line. Just send me your press release and I will print it without question. I don’t even have to leave my office” Sang reporter Accolade Mouse, whose recent investigation into the new Louisville downtown arena, written in verse, revealed it would be: “ like really, really awesome/ if you disagree you are really, really whore scum.”
Participants at the event enjoyed three days of workshops dedicated to fine-tuning fawning writing and refining CEO interviewing etiquette.
“Do you think Bill Gates wants questions about how utterly shit Windows Vista is?” Said Shepherd Islander, conference organiser, and CFO of Granite Publishing owners of the Louisville Cowering Journal. “ He doesn’t want the imposition. We need to drive home this point. Gates is one of the top people on the planet and we should not be dropping big turd bombs on his doorstep like untrained dogs. We need to pay respect to our masters, that’s why these workshops are paramount in the servile training process. Without them journalists will not have the equipment to function obsequiously.”
The Marketing Manager of the Louisville Cowering Journal, Joy Shalala, echoed these sentiments. “Journalism has become an extension of the advertising industry. What we need to do most is please advertisers. We do this by writing copy that enticingly frames the adverts around them. In my professional opinion I think this article would benefit from an advert for a car or a women’s fragrance around the text.”
Over a thousand journalists from all over the country were there to discuss how they could make their reports of the powerful and wealthy seem even more sycophantic and apologetic.
“In the past journalists would hold those who controlled the machinery of the state and business accountable for their actions. But all of that has changed, thank God, now we are just indifferent. Besides, that kind of journalism costs money. It harms the bottom line. Just send me your press release and I will print it without question. I don’t even have to leave my office” Sang reporter Accolade Mouse, whose recent investigation into the new Louisville downtown arena, written in verse, revealed it would be: “ like really, really awesome/ if you disagree you are really, really whore scum.”
Participants at the event enjoyed three days of workshops dedicated to fine-tuning fawning writing and refining CEO interviewing etiquette.
“Do you think Bill Gates wants questions about how utterly shit Windows Vista is?” Said Shepherd Islander, conference organiser, and CFO of Granite Publishing owners of the Louisville Cowering Journal. “ He doesn’t want the imposition. We need to drive home this point. Gates is one of the top people on the planet and we should not be dropping big turd bombs on his doorstep like untrained dogs. We need to pay respect to our masters, that’s why these workshops are paramount in the servile training process. Without them journalists will not have the equipment to function obsequiously.”
The Marketing Manager of the Louisville Cowering Journal, Joy Shalala, echoed these sentiments. “Journalism has become an extension of the advertising industry. What we need to do most is please advertisers. We do this by writing copy that enticingly frames the adverts around them. In my professional opinion I think this article would benefit from an advert for a car or a women’s fragrance around the text.”
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