The Voice of Alzheimers:The Mind Of Jim Bunning

I am neither black nor white. Some have said I am not of this world. This is clearly wrong. I am of human stock and have no extra-terrestial blood. In this world I happen to belong to a geographical economic unit called the United States. In the United States I devote myself to assisting the people. Some of the people are a color that is at variance with my shade of Artic Sunrise. This does not bother me. Some of my country club pals ask me how I do it. I shrug my shoulders and say, “Hey Jefferson, bring me another cigar”. Meeting a “black” is much like meeting one of your own. The only difference is – well there are too many for this column. However, odor and quality of person are worth mentioning. Despite being color blind I do see that black people destroy property and agitate at a rate that would cause a white person to fire a shotgun indiscriminately at blithe consumers in a shopping mall. Statistically, very few white people do these things. This is why I like George W. Bush. He is a man that would never go to a shopping mall and kill people. He would delegate something like that.

The Democrats hate Bush because he is very popular with the electorate, he wears suits, and is not interested in kissing men. Moreover, he allows the American people to compete in the global market with our friends in China, India, and Rhodesia. Unlike the party of Osama Bin Laden who would rather our men and girls in uniform go completely naked into battle. These young naked, ripped bodies with no excess of fat are torn apart by enemy fire because Democrats do not believe in clothing our soldiers. They want to turn our military into an extension of the porn industry. That, my fellow constituents is hard to swallow. I understand the military. I served my time in the army- I waited tables during my freshman year at college in the canteen at Ft. Campbell. I know that the average male human and girl human combatant needs their body covered in order for that combatant to perform acts of necessary violence. It is a human right to be sartorially encased. It is as American as baseball and Shakespeare.

Baseball was at the forefront of my mind on a recent trip I took to Jordan. Like many people I had never heard of this tiny, insignificant country before my PR team indicated that I could raise my public profile before the next election by meeting some of the top people in this place which was surprisingly not named after the famous Negro hoop boy. My entourage and I met with the Jordanian king. I tried to tell him about the famous basketball player but he had not idea of what I was talking about. It seems he does not know how to speak American. He spoke some horrible dialect and then a lackey somehow turned the gibberish into common American. I spent most of the time talking to the lackey. In turn, he translated my words into the mildly revolting language that the king – I forget his name – could comprehend.

On the whole, Jordan is an unnecessary little country that has no oil and no other minerals of interest to exploit. I advised the king to become part of Israel. He looked at me without responding. I suspect he was considering the offer. He then left the room without offering me a goodbye. I was not surprised. This is the Arab nature and he did look suspiciously like one of Saddam Hussein’s sons. The dead one.