Louisville, KY. Baseball and fossil fuel enthusiast Senator Jim Bunning will appear in the new season of ABC's hit television series Lost. He will play a character called Jim Bunning who mysteriously appears on the island as one of the seventy-one survivors of a plane crash.
" He does not remember getting on the plane. He only remembers that his name is Jim Bunning, that's he's a United States Senator and that he absolutely adores rich people," Bunning said while masticating tirelessly on a piece of Canadian bacon.
Bunning agreed to do the show because he has always wanted to act. In high school he won the role of a sturgeon in a play written by his drama teacher about Alaskan fisherman. In the play the fishermen catch the sturgeon and eat him.
"The drama teacher said that the sturgeon represented capitalism and that by eating me the fisherman were denouncing its inherent iniquity. The teacher was a faggot and a commie," Bunning responded with his mouth full of biscuit and gravy.
A Lost insider says that Bunning's character soon develops a love interest. He is out hunting for environmentalists when he falls down a hole. He soon works out that he's discovered a coalmine. According to the insider Bunning and the coalmine fall instantly in love.
Bunning starts to date the coalmine, taking it gifts everyday, including: bottled carbon emissions and asthmatic children. Eventually they consummate the relationship.
"That's quite a scene", Bunning grinned, "I don't think sex between a consenting adult and a coalmine has been shown on network television before."
Bunning insisted that the sex is tastefully handled or he would not have agreed to do it.
"It's all done in soft focus, no genitalia or coalmine crevices are displayed. At the point of climax the director cuts to some film of Mitch McConnell entering the Whitehouse through a rear entrance," Bunning said while chewing the end off a country sausage.
" He does not remember getting on the plane. He only remembers that his name is Jim Bunning, that's he's a United States Senator and that he absolutely adores rich people," Bunning said while masticating tirelessly on a piece of Canadian bacon.
Bunning agreed to do the show because he has always wanted to act. In high school he won the role of a sturgeon in a play written by his drama teacher about Alaskan fisherman. In the play the fishermen catch the sturgeon and eat him.
"The drama teacher said that the sturgeon represented capitalism and that by eating me the fisherman were denouncing its inherent iniquity. The teacher was a faggot and a commie," Bunning responded with his mouth full of biscuit and gravy.
A Lost insider says that Bunning's character soon develops a love interest. He is out hunting for environmentalists when he falls down a hole. He soon works out that he's discovered a coalmine. According to the insider Bunning and the coalmine fall instantly in love.
Bunning starts to date the coalmine, taking it gifts everyday, including: bottled carbon emissions and asthmatic children. Eventually they consummate the relationship.
"That's quite a scene", Bunning grinned, "I don't think sex between a consenting adult and a coalmine has been shown on network television before."
Bunning insisted that the sex is tastefully handled or he would not have agreed to do it.
"It's all done in soft focus, no genitalia or coalmine crevices are displayed. At the point of climax the director cuts to some film of Mitch McConnell entering the Whitehouse through a rear entrance," Bunning said while chewing the end off a country sausage.
